Happy Independence Day, Pilipinas! Ikaw ba, malaya na rin talaga?

Happy Independence Day, Pilipinas!
Pero teka lang… ikaw ba, malaya na rin talaga?

Ako kasi, parang hindi pa.

Ang sarap pakinggan ng salitang “kalayaan,” lalo na ngayong araw ng ating kasarinlan. Parada rito, bandila roon, kantang makabayan sa bawat sulok. Ramdam mo ang damdaming makabansa, ang pagmamalaki sa pagiging Pilipino. Pero habang ang lahat ay nagdiriwang, heto ako, tahimik lang, hindi makasigaw sa tuwa, kasi may kung anong bigat sa dibdib na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

Kasi totoo naman, habang malayang iniwawagayway ang bandila ng bayan, may mga damdaming nakakulong pa rin. May mga alaala na paulit-ulit bumabalik. May mga taong iniwan ka na pero sa puso mo, tila hindi pa sila lubusang nakaalis. May mga pangarap na nilaban mo nang buo, pero sa huli, kinailangan mong bitawan. May mga “mahal ko siya” na nauwi sa “hanggang dito na lang.”

Malaya na ang bansa ko, pero ako? Parang hindi pa rin. Parang nakakulong pa rin ako sa mga tanong na walang kasagutan. Sa mga “bakit ako iniwan?” o “kulang ba ako?” Sa mga takot na baka kapag pinili ko ang sarili ko, mas marami pa ang masasaktan. Sa mga desisyong hindi ko talaga pinili, pero kailangan kong panindigan dahil iyon ang "tama" sa mata ng iba.

Sa pag-ibig, ilang beses na akong naging tanong sa sarili kong kwento. Yung tipo ng pagmamahal na ibinigay ko na ang lahat, pero hindi pala sapat. Sasabihan ka ng "let go na," pero para bang hindi nila naiintindihan kung gaano kahirap ang bitaw kapag buong puso mo ang kumapit.

Sa pamilya, may mga panahong sinasabi nilang para sa’yo ang ginagawa nila, pero hindi ka naman tinanong kung ‘yan ba talaga ang gusto mo. Bilang anak, natututo tayong magsakripisyo, pero minsan sa sobrang pagsunod, nakakalimutan na rin natin ang sarili nating pangarap.

Pero ang pinakamabigat? Yung sarili mo na mismo ang hindi ka kayang palayain. Alam mong hawak mo ang susi na ikaw lang ang may kapangyarihang pakawalan ang sarili mo. Pero dahil sa takot, sa pangamba, sa sakit, nananatili kang nakakulong. Hindi dahil gusto mong manatili, kundi dahil natatakot kang baka mas masakit ang kalayaan kaysa sa pagkakabilanggo.

Ngayong Araw ng Kalayaan, gusto kong itanong sa ating lahat: Tinaas mo ang bandila pero tinaas mo rin ba ang sarili mong halaga? Pinili mo ba ang kapayapaan mo? Pinili mo bang palayain ang sarili mo mula sa bigat ng kahapon, o pinili mong manatili kasi mas madali na lang?

Ang tunay na kalayaan ay hindi lang laban ng bayan. Isa rin itong personal na laban, laban ng mga pusong gustong magmahal muli, ng mga kaluluwang gustong humilom, ng mga taong gustong muling maniwala sa sarili. Hindi ito instant. Hindi ito madali. Pero bawat hakbang, kahit gaano kabagal, ay isang anyo ng paglaya.

Kaya sana ngayong Hunyo 12, habang ipinagdiriwang natin ang kasarinlan ng ating bayan, ipagdiwang din natin ang bawat pagsubok nating pakawalan ang sakit, ang lungkot, at ang takot. Subukan mong lumaya, kahit konti. Subukan mong patawarin ang sarili mo, kahit hindi mo pa lubusang maintindihan ang lahat.

Dahil totoo: malaya na ang Pilipinas.
Pero mas magiging makabuluhan ang kalayaang ito kung malaya na rin ang puso mo.


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